A Boy, A Girl, and A Crazed Fairy
by Nota Lone
Summary: The Fowl Manor is recieving a visitor, an American foregin exchange student. If that wasn't enough, Root's brother escapes his cell. Artemis is needed and visitor is taken along for the ride.
1. And SO it begins

Artemis surfed through the exchange student files he just finished hacking into.

"Mother wants a girl..." he mused. Butler stood behind him, looking over Artemis' shoulder.

Artemis spoke again, "Here, Jessica, thirteen years old, 'A' student, a near spotless record." Butler lifted an eyebrow.

"She cursed in fourth grade I believe. Harmless, if not vacant and boring. We shall see soon enough." Artemis typed something in and set her up to be the exchange student for the Fowl Manor. "I just hope she's the unobtrusive _quiet _type." Butler silently agreed.



Jessica was neither the quiet, nor the unobtrusive type, though she was relatively harmless. Packing her bags for her stint in Ireland, she was undoubtedly nervous.

"You probably need another sweater," cautioned her friend, Janet, from Jessica's bed.

"Meh, I don't want to pack another blessed thing. Are you packed yet?"

"Yep, it's supposed to be pretty warm in Greece."

"Greece, you're in heaven, aren't you mythology-girl?"

"Yeah, you're living in a manor!"

"With a certified genius and a body guard."

"And probably some of those tiny-hot-dog-on-a-stick things."

The girls burst-out laughing.

"What in the name of Gwahir the gigantamous chicken (tribute to Terachi Kaishku) brought that on?"

"No idea."

"_It's time to go!_" hollered Jessica's mom from downstairs. Jessica and Janet got-up to leave.

"Remember, don't drink the green beer and don't annoy the little people!" Janet playfully cried as Jessica boarded the plane half an hour later. Little did they know Jessica would do one of the things her playful friend had cautioned her against.




	2. The Quiet, Unobtrusive type

Are fairies nocturnal? I canne remember.

Holly stumbled into the office. She'd stayed-up too late to watch the crunch-ball tournament. She'd barely got to sit-down when she got a message.

"Holly, come quick!" It was Foaly, and he sounded chipper. Probably invented something. Holly sighed and went to his cubical/paranoid haven.

"You rang?"

"Holly, Artemis has a new friend!"

Holly blinked the sleep out of her eyes. "Artemis has friends."

Foaly showed Holly the clip from the hidden cameras in the Fowl Manor. Holly lifted an eyebrow.

"I hope she isn't the 'quiet, unobtrusive type'."

Foaly gave her a mischievous smile that only centaurs are capable of making. "Of course not!"

Holly left whistling. This was going to be interesting.

Yes, this chapter is rather short and uninformative. It's 9:22 people! (I will add on or delete this chapter.)


	3. Joureys and Arrivals

Disclamer: Well it's not like they're yours...

Meanwhile…..

Poor Jessica was busy contemplating the irony that seemed to surround her life. Yet again, she was sitting next to the scariest person on the plane. He had teeth like a cross between a horse's and tombstones on steroids. His beard……..we're not going to go into that. She sighed and settled in with her ipod. A little 'Bowling for Soup' never hurt anyone.

Artemis, however, was busy. He was being forced to go shopping with his mother to get 'young and hip' things for the exchange student's room. His mother stopped at a particularly hideous orange rug.

"What do you think Arty?"

Artemis tried not to shudder. "I prefer the purple one." Anything to get out of this store.

"What cha reading?"

Jessica tried not to twitch. It was bug beard man. "'Got Fangs'."

The man (?) nodded. "Vampires huh?"

"Yes, they give them a funky name, but same thing." 'Why can't I shut-up?' Jessica though desperately.

"Weird name?"

"Moravian Dark Ones." (A/n or something like that…)

Tomb-stone tooth laughed. "Reminds me of the Fowl boy." Jessica tried not to fall out of her seat. (Luckily, her seat belt was properly and securely fastened.) If Artemis associated with people like beard boy she was so doomed.

Artemis was happily working on his computer. The torture his mother called shopping was over. They got a few apparently girly things. The room still probably looked foreboding. 'She was only going to be here a few weeks. Then, she'll go home and everything will be normal.' Artemis reassured himself.

Jessica got off the plane and grabbed her bag. She went down the escalator to where everyone was holding signs. Wouldn't you know it? Her name was on a sign held by someone who could make Vin Diesel look like a mama's-boy. She stepped into the limo, wondering why the heck she signed-up for this anyway.

Butler watched the girl. She was defiantly worried by his appearance.

"Hello!" Her cheery greeting interrupted his musing.

"Hello," he said, never letting his eyes leave the road, or the rearview mirror. The girl, not knowing he was looking, put her hands in the air and stared up at the heavens mouthing 'WHY?". Butler almost laughed. Almost.

Artemis shook the girl's hand after she walked into the house. Her palms were sweating. Artemis gave her his best vampire grin. "Welcome."

* * *

**lilacpurple: Doesn't self atvertising rock:) She might annoy the little people, but it could be the green beer, you never know.**

**silverfingers: Ohh, I like kudos, especially the chocolate covered ones:) thanx**

**LaBOBuren: Whooho fluff day! My friend's brother (who thinks I'm a nutter, wonder why) just came back from France. Weird.**

**Phyllis Nodrey: You chew that apple. You actually reminded me of Foaly in that review.**

**utena: Thanx.Your fabulous dahling, just marvolus!**

**Naomii: Short is good. Like chocolate. **

**Jules866: I have many plots. MUAHAHAHA! **

**Trisak Aminawn: He might be a chicken in a parelel universe...**

Evil and cliffish, isn't it MUAHAHAHA! Review mortals, and ye shall have your chapter 3!


	4. He's a Vampire

Disclaimer: I dislike loud noises, especially early in the morning. I also dislike being sued.

The first thing Jessica did after dinner was to call Janet.

"Hi Janet!"

"Jessica, do you know what time it is?"

"Let's see…if it's seven here, it's nine there."

Jessica could almost hear Janet rolling her eyes. "Well as long as we've got that straight. How was your day?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Fowl are quite cordial. Butler could freak-out Swartzeneger. (You can't flame me for misspelling THAT!) Artemis is a vampire of immeasurable intellect."

"Erm, I think you're jumping to conclusions on the whole vampire thing."

"He walks like a vampire, he talks like a vampire, he's apparently got the wisdom of someone who has roamed the earth for thousands of years, he has these weird vampire-like manners, and he drinks 'red wine'; he's a vampire." (A/n I did it! Four vampires in one sentence.)

Artemis, who, of course, had already bugged the conversation laughed.

"Don't sleep to deeply and it's garlic flowers, not bulbs that ward off vampires."

"Ha-ha, and I knew that."

"Sure you did."

"What'd you do?"

"I went to a museum. Our guide looked like Orlando Bloom."

"And consequentially, you can't remember anything else?"

"There was actually some very interesting stuff in there."

"I just realized something."

"What?"

"As millionaires, they're probably rather paranoid, right?"

"Yeah….oh crud, you think they bugged the line?"

"Hopefully we haven't hit any buzzwords."

Artemis smiled. She wasn't stupid. Though, the fact that she though he was a vampire could be quite entertaining. Butler cut off his musings as he entered the room.

"Your mother says it's time for dessert."

Artemis looked-up and sighed. "Then I guess I should go."

Jessica quickly went to prepare for dessert. Worst case scenario would be that Artemis had overheard the conversation and either hated her guts or was going to mock her for the rest of her life. She could deal with that. Plus, Artemis was a genius. Surely geniuses are above that kind of stuff?

Holly, Root, Trouble, and Foaly were all watching Foaly's big-screen. What was on? The cameras installed in Fowl Manor is what was on. Holly smiled at the screen.

"A great way to start your night, don't you think so, Trouble?"

Trouble smiled. "Yes, a wonderful and, might I add, Grubless, way to start the night."

Root was chuckling and a paler shade than usual.

Artemis sat down across from Jessica for dessert. He began to analyze (shock). Brown hair, brown eyes, about five foot, paler, but not as pale as him, glasses, long, curly hair, and slight facial blemishes (yes, it is beneath a genius to call them zits) were here major attributes.

"I hope you like dark chocolate dear," cooed Artemis's mother. "It's the only dessert Arty really likes."

Artemis threw Jessica a glance as warning to not call him Arty. "Truce?" she mouthed. Artemis nodded. She was a least a bit of an intellectual.

"I've never met a dessert I _didn't_ like." Jessica threw everyone a smile and Mr. Fowl laughed. Artemis gave a nearly indistinguishable smile and began to eat. No friction, no issues, no problem, this exchange student thing might not be that bad after all.

Jessica really had to pee. Of course, to get to the only bathroom she knew about (there were others) she had to go down the main hallway. And if she went down the main hallway she would have to pass the pictures. She wondered if the 'what-are-you-doing-here-mortal' look was an inbred Fowl trait or they were taught. Yes, Fowl curriculum was reading, writing, math, social studies, language arts, and the Fowl stare. Jessica really had to go now, so she sucked it up and went down the hall.

Butler was watching the monitor for the cameras when he noticed someone walking down the main hall. It was Jessica. For some reason she was walking straight down the center and was apparently trying to make herself very small. Butler pondered over that for a minute, and then chuckled. The Fowls were and are quite intimidating.

_Whoa, my longest chappie yet! 3 pages on word! I'm so proud of myself. :)_

**Review responses now!**

**Naomii-chan: **I like Nota-chan and fluff. Especially the marshmallow kind. :)

**froggiesrcool: **I hath updated and no, you do not want to know.

**utena: **lifts eyebrows into hairline ow! No crashing stuff. This computer is vital to my sanity. (kinda)

**Phyllis Nodrey: **Atwixt. I like that word. MINE!

**LaBOBuren:** When a computer is old, slow, and annoying, it is best to put it out of it's misery with a sledgehammer, unless it's a school computer….Oh, and ye shall never be able to out annoy the mastaaaa grashoppa.

**boogalaga: **yeah, I'm leaning toward green beer too.:) You ain't got no reason to pity her yet. Ahh! The grammar! It burnses us!

**Jules866: **What plot? I have no plot. Especially not to take over the world. No plot at all. twitch

**BeatlesLover: **Yes, I know they're short. This is because I am a raving loony who writes her chapters all in one sitting. I will try.

**Eva Evens: **Yaith! My first thumbs up!

**silverfingers:** They are all girls because Arty needs a girl to keep him from doing something terribly stupid.:) Coherence is highly over-rated.

**tikitikirevenge:** Ah, I relish a challenge. :P I like to rhyme, I do it all the time. Fezzik was a man of great strength, his poetry had a similar length. I'm smarter than Vizzini, cuz he was a meanie.:) I am a nutball, from the realm of the semi-sane I do fall.

Oh, oh, I just began to wonder, do I have any male reviewers? I cannae tell. The names give little away. Orlando Lover is rather obvious, but Death Clown poses a challenge.


	5. Tara By Any Other Name

'_Ello and welcome to chappie 5! 34 flippin' reviews. On my first story. I love you ALL! Erm, sorry, that was scary. Mulch's POV in this chappie. _;)

* * *

Mulch was bored. Artemis told him to lay low for a while after he went free, so as to keep the LEP from being suspicious. Mulch was not good at waiting. He leaned back on the creaky bed. There was too much concrete in the hotel (motel, whatever it was) for his liking. Mulch sighed and closed his eyes, envisioning the look on Root's face when he lost the court case. Priceless, simply priceless.

* * *

Artemis sat at the breakfast table, typing on this laptop. He looked up as Jessica came into the room, yawning. Her hair was sticking-up in strange directions and her glasses were slightly askew. She was wearing bunny slippers. Artemis allowed himself a satisfied vampire smirk. He, of course, was already in his Armani suit.

"Your fruit is to your right if that's what you want," (Woho! 'E' less!) Artemis pointed out in response to Jessica's blind searching. Jessica muttered something that Artemis interpreted as a thank you.

Mrs. Fowl swept in with a plate of slightly-burn bacon. Artemis didn't really like bacon (the cad!), but he ate it to keep his mother happy.

"Arty, why don't you take Jessica around and show her the sights?"

Artemis sighed. Didn't anyone know he had _work_ to do? He also had various contacts that would be quite perturbed if they weren't given answers. Artemis typed on his computer, canceling as many appointments as possible. Mrs. Fowl's question was more of a command than a question. Plus, he didn't want to give her any reason to think he was engaged in underhand dealings. "If she doesn't have any other plans."

* * *

"Do you like nature?" questioned Artemis.

"Yeah," Jessica responded.

"There's something special about Tara, but I can't quite remember…" Jessica noticed that he seemed to be talking mostly to himself. She didn't mind. She though Artemis was very……for lack of better term, menacing.

"Tara sounds like a wonderful place, Arty. You should walk some of it. And change out of that suit," interrupted Mrs. Fowl. The 'yuck-I-don't-wanna' look flashed across Artemis's face, but so quickly, you wouldn't know if you blinked. Jessica smiled. Maybe he was more human than he first appeared.

* * *

There was pandemonium in Foaly's 'office'.

"His memories aren't coming back just form seeing that place, are they?" said a purplish individual through clenched teeth.

"Julius! You know I do things the right way! He'll just come-up with some new memories."

The purple individual had faded to a red color. "Don't call me Julius."

Holly watched the screen. "We just always seem to have issues when Artemis is around…" Holly said to no one in particular.

* * *

Butler went to get the smaller limousine. His bodyguard intuition was troubling him. (A/n Well what was I supposed to call it? Butler-sense?) Something has happened at Tara. Somethings probably. He just couldn't remember what…_

* * *

Yes, my chappies are shrinking. I blame violent video games. I will try my hardest to make the next one a long chappie. Long like a Social Studies lecture. Lalalalalalastoatlalalalala._

**thalia524**: Thank you. Yes, Jessica is afraid, very afraid.

**tikitikirevenge:** I accept your challenge. There is a challenge for you in one of my reviews. I am glad to help you achieve your evil end of something. Those are the best evil ends.

**BeatlesLover**: He's not going to insult her in front of his _mother_:P To your questions: 1) Yes, I did. My spelling is TERRIBLE and the idiot spellchecker thinks that's a word. 2) Jessica is based almost entirely on me. I surely hope she's not a Mary Sue. That would be freaky.

**laBOBuren:** It's the thought that counts. Are you sure you don't like sledge hammers? They make a terrific crunch noise.

**boogalaga: **Intentional double negative. I had a science teacher who would say, "Now don't use no bad grammar." It drove me nuts. :P Hope it's worth the wait.

**silverfingers: **I think he's compared to a vampire in the book. Not offended at all. :P I am the funny person with no spelling abilities once so ever. Fear me.

**Tsubasstar:** He'll come in with a bang…..

**Phyllis Nodrey:** Bally good story o' yours, wotwot. Thanks for the medal ole gel. Oh and DILLIE-SAMA. runs away, laughing maniacally

**blondevil: **Rest assured, I will do my best to keep him there.

**Dark-empress-593:** Writing. Yayith, people think I'm funny! does slightly-disturbing victory dance umm, bye now.

_Do you see this button Grasshoppa? Press it, and you shall become the mastaa._


	6. A Heck of a Lotta Thinking

_Hello loverly readers. The wireless mouse is probably dying and being a fart-nugget. Thus, I blame all typos on it. Thank you. Oh and, FOURTY! (reviews) The 4th Artemis Fowl book is out, but my mom won't take me to the bookstore. Yah! **I doth solemnly swear Jessica is not and will not become a Mary-Sue.**_

Disclaimer: I own every thing. I own the world! MUAHAHAHA! is dragged away by copyright lawyers and people in white coats Crud.

Jessica surveyed the beautiful fields in silence. Her eyes were eventually drawn to a large oak tree in the middle and the little sproutlings and smaller trees around it. She noticed that Artemis was staring at the tree and the ditch behind it, as if trying to remember something. Jessica suddenly had the urge to do contribute something. She walked over and took an acorn off the tree, then buried it in the soft dirt a ways away. A blue spark flitted across her line of vision. 'Much too much static electricity in this idiot sweater,' she thought. Artemis's eyes snapped back into focus.

"I almost had it..." he murmured.

Jessica turned to him. "What?"

"Just trying to remember something…" he replied, as close to absentmindedly as a fourteen year old genius gets.

* * *

Foaly tinkered with something, listening to songs he stole from Jessica's ipod. Too easy really. Foaly chuckled as he plotted to have Good Charlotte blare out of the speakers of several of Julius's electronical devices. He also decided to make a Foalypod. Maybe if he gave it to Grub he'd be so busy listening to his kiddie songs he wouldn't annoy everyone. A good idea, after all, if anyone was going to annoy here, it was going to be Foaly.

* * *

Holly leaned back in her chair with a cup of coffee. Root was off in a meeting somewhere, Foaly was doing something genius like, and who knows what Trouble was doing. Holly had the day completely to herself. And she was being bored out of her mind.

* * *

Artemis had his eyes closed the whole ride home. He continued to trace circles in his head. That spark of electrons meant something, but what could it mean? Artemis could never again suspect the fairies on his own because he was too old. Like every child learns that they must grow-up around two (except, of course, the fabled one) the belief in magic almost always ebbs away in your teen years. I'm not saying there aren't hold-outs, but Artemis was a practical and precocious child. It was inevitable that he stopped believing. (No, contrary to popular belief, no fairies are harmed.)

* * *

Jessica hummed to herself, oblivious. She had no idea that they were contemplating something, she just though Artemis didn't feel like talking. Which isn't unusual. And Butler was a bodyguard, silent and deadly. Jessica went up to her room as soon as she could to call someone. She needed to talk to someone before she exploded.

* * *

In Haven, Root could almost feel the lull before the storm. He shook his head. It was just today. Turnball's birthday was never a good time. It still stung, decades later. Brothers should fight on the same side. Even Root's face had lost its ruby hue. He sighed. No day lasts forever.

_Sigh, this chappie isn't too short. This and the next chappie are my reverse March chappies. In like a lamb, out like a lion.:) Several lions actually. Large, winged lions of destruction. Hinthint _

**Aldrea:** COOKIES! snarf oh, were was I… I'm glad you like me. I will strive to make my chappies as long as they can be.

**boogalaga:** Thank-you. I never go over the top. is smote by the Fanfiction-powers-that-be ow, ok, maybe a little….

**silverfingers**: o' course he's seen Tara. Isn't that where he kidnapped Holly? Fine then, soldier sense. Just be glad I didn't call it spidy sense… Oh yea, my floor is plasma.

**Morrwen:** Yes, we know. Join us, don't be scared. Tehehehe. :P

**LaBOBuren: **No, I had my chainsaw shot. I'm immune. Lordy, you should see me when I'm UTIOC (under the influence of cough-drops). :)

**lilacpurple**: Haven't played Resident Evil. Would scare the living crapola outta me.  You are my fortieth reviewer. Here's you invisible banana as reward.


	7. Happy Birthday

_Hello faithful readers and other random, but still loverly people. Sorry I haven't updated. You see, my fingertips swelled to the size of coconuts and….(oh, and I'm canning the page breaks mostly tell me if this ruins your life and I'll put em back)

* * *

_

Jessica stared at the computer screen. No one had emailed. No one had called. Everyone was fine. Then why was she so apprehensive?

Butler's butler-sense tingled. (a/n this one's for you, lilacpurple) He checked the cameras and took another sweep around the mansion. He noticed, not for the first time, that it was taking him longer than it used to. 'I'm too young for this...' he thought.

"So, you going to show us your wonderful creation or what?"

Foaly was irritated. He was genius! They just didn't appreciate him…

"You went over funding, so it'd better be good, civilian."

"THAT'S IT!" Foaly threw-up his hands. "You think I'm a pack animal don't you? I'm a genius not a horse! Fine, you know what, if you want a horse I'll be a horse." Foaly proceeded to put his carrot on the table and try to eat it like a horse. Being that his top half was humanoid, this was difficult. Holy rolled her eyes.

"Quit the melodramatics Foaly. I have good coffee cooling in my cubicle."

"Fine, then, I'll be a good horsie and show you!"

Alas, Foaly couldn't be a good horsie and show them. The alarm went off first.

**-eerie foreboding page break-**

Mulch's hair stood on end. In the wise words of his grandma, trust the hair. Mulch may have been a miscreant mastermind and nefarious ne'r-do-well, but he listened to his dear old grandma.

"Hello, package for Master Fowl."

Butler answered to the door to a rather short, large-toothed, and all around rather scary short individual that apparently didn't fit into his clothes. (This is understandable, being that he stole them off some hapless postal-worker.)

"This is his residence."

"But is he here?"

"Yes, but he's quite busy."

"But this is an insured package; he has to sign for it."

"He's **_busy_**."

"I can't deliver the package without a signature."

"I'll get him," Butler hissed between his teeth. He closed the door (it took all of his training to stay calm and not slam it on the abnormally minute civil-servant) and traipsed off to the genius child's room.

Artemis actually was busy, scheming (as per usual). He needed a way to keep his parents satisfied that he was doing something wholesome, educational, and generally associated with shininess and good, but still do what _he_ wanted. He was after all, a teenager, granted, a ludicrously super-intelligent teenager, but a teen none the less. He eyed his counter-fitting paints in the corner and smirked.

Under the earth, things were not going well. Commander Root was about to go outside and yell at hapless interns until someone told him what was D'arviting happening when Trouble walked into the room.

"Commander, bad news; Turnball's…well…he's out…and…I think you should see this." Trouble gravely handed Root a letter, apparently written on a piece of fabric from a prison jump-suit. We won't speculate on the inks origin.

Root read the letter and blanched. He started to shake and Foaly quickly put his swivel chair behind Root before he collapsed. A look of shock and pain flashed on Root's face. He dropped the letter, buried his head in his hands and did something no one in the LEP had ever seen him do before. He cried.

Trouble instantly found something supremely interesting on his shoes. Holly knelt down and picked-up the offending note.

"What does it say?" Foaly questioned in a haggard whisper.

Holly, keeping her voice low, read the letter.

_Julius,_

_I guess the Commander is too busy to visit his brother, even on his birthday. No matter, you'll be seeing a lot more of me. Sainted little brother, Mommy and Daddy's favorite and the LEP's shining little star. Too long you've shadowed me, ignored me, shamed me, and belittled me. I will have my revenge on you and everything you stand for, everything that has suppressed me for so long. You and your friends will suffer. And the little genius mud-boy? Don't count on him lasting to long either._

_Your Brother,_

_Turnball _

Holly shook her head. "We need to get the Fowl boy down here, preferably yesterday."

Trouble looked from her to the shaking form of Root. "Will do."

* * *

_Yes, it's been months, but remember, flames, no matter how deserved, will be given to AJ. Please, don't arm her. And the 28th is my b-day. You wouldn't flame a girl right before her b-day, right?_

**laBOBuren **– Heh, whoopsie.

**blondevil **– Mehbeh, mebeh not.

**silverfingers** – Longer. ((smiles winningly)) Do you not hate me?

**TrisakAminawn- **Yes, my transitions need work. I'm just to lazy to work on them. Fine, Gwhair isn't a chicken, but he has a very very funky name. Awww, thank you for adding me to favs.

**tikitikirevenge- **I did it, aren't you proud. You didn't even use the spoonerisms you lying fink. Hehehe.

**Pimpernelunderthecelticmoon-** Haha! My organic shaped object!

**MuggleBuddy**- Thank you.

**athleticsrulz**- And the Foalypod loves you too.

**cloudlessnight**- Being that Jessica is mostly me, I'm slightly hurt. LOL, they might get together, matters weather or not…well, I feel like it.

**dragon emperess- **Wouldn't you?

**Miroku-has-darkness** – Yes, but they would have turned them back on after the mind-wipe just in case.


End file.
